Just because I’m sober doesn’t mean I don’t want to come to your party. Maybe I do and maybe I don’t, but if we’re friends, I’d at least like the invite so I can decide for myself.
I have found in my couple years of sobriety that not everyone knows how to deal with people who don’t drink, and I would sometimes get left off the invite list to parties that I used to be invited to. Let’s face it: There are some people who want everyone to drink, as if fun can’t be had without the booze.
I get it, though. I do. I used to think you had to drink to have fun and I wanted everyone to drink with me. Then again, I am an alcoholic, so most people probably don’t care if you drink or not. I mean, I would all but shove liquor down people’s throats, and to be honest, I probably shoved liquor down my own throat a time or two as well.
I promise you, I’m not a downer just because I don’t drink. And I’m not judging anyone. Trust me. I’ve probably done way worse than anything that is going to go down at your holiday bash over sausage balls and Jingle Juice Punch. Still, if you need reasons why sober people make great party guests, here are a few.
1) We won’t drink all your booze.
In fact, we won’t drink any of your booze. Sure, it would be great if you provided some non-alcoholic drink other than water, but whatever. To many of us, water will be just fine. Just think of the money you’ll save for every person who doesn’t drink! Also, you’re less likely to run out of booze. On the off chance that you do, you have a sober person there who could drive you to the store to restock (which applies to reason four, see below).
2) We think outside the box when it comes to the hostess gift.
A bottle of wine is probably the most typical hostess gift, but I don’t buy alcohol anymore, not even for gifts. So I have to get a little creative. I recently went to a party where I knew the hostess has a big sweet tooth and loves candy, so I bought a growler (a glass or mug used for draft beer) and filled it with her favorite candies. Who wouldn’t want to get a growler full of jelly beans, Sour Patch Kids, Swedish fish and gummy bears? Look, she’s going to need something to go with those bottles of wine she’ll get.
3) We can be the voice of reason.
Let’s say your music is too loud or things are getting crazy with all the Jell-O shots and games of Cards Against Humanity. You are going to need someone who can communicate with angry neighbors or the police, if they’re called. I have used the “I can assure you, Officer” line on more than one occasion to help pals out when they were too drunk to articulate thoughts, much less put together complete sentences that made sense without slurring.
4) We will be of service.
There comes a point in the evening when a sober person knows they are the only one who is still sober. This is where deep conversations that don’t make sense start taking place. There are usually a lot of “I love you, mans” thrown around, and you start seeing some PDA between everyone. It’s usually not long after this, or shortly before if I am good at gauging the situation, that I make my exit, but not before I see if there is anything I can clean up around the kitchen or even help the drunk girl that reminds me of myself from a few years ago. Many sober people love to be (or know that it’s good for them to be) of service — even at parties. We’ll take out the trash, maybe help someone in the bathroom who can’t zip her pants because she’s seeing double, or offer to get an Uber for those who look like they need to go home. I cleaned a friend’s entire kitchen one time and he was so high that I convinced him Elf on the Shelf did it. Happy to be of service, my friend.
5) We remember everything.
We can remind everyone of what they did and said the next day. Funny how the tables turn. I was a blackout drinker, so I always had to call my friend who drank the least to find out what I did the night before. Well, now I get to be that person. Sober people are great for reminding you where you put your keys, who you made out with, why you decided to text your ex at 2 a.m., where you left your car, why you have a $94 pizza charge on your debit card or whatever memory jogging you may need. We’re typically pretty good for that.
So remember to extend the holiday invite next time. Sober Elf on the Shelf may just show up.