We’ve all been there; mid-way through a conversation with someone when you notice their eyes start to wander from your face to the space over your shoulder. Or, to be more precise, to the rest of the room behind your shoulder. No matter that you were enjoying the chat, those wandering eyes are a clear sign that for the person opposite you, it’s all over. There are few things more likely to make us feel like we are not valued by another person, valuing people is very important. The only thing that’s worse than being looked over in this way is being caught in the act yourself, your own wandering eyes betraying your lack of focus.
Not too long ago I asked my eldest son what he had learnt at school that day. Normally the question elicits a response along the lines of ‘nothing much’, but on this particular occasion, he surprised me. ‘You should listen twice as much as you speak,’ he said. I asked why. ‘Because you have been given two ears and only one mouth.’ He has a point.
Listening is one of the most important ways to demonstrate that we value the person that we are with.
Rob Parsons, author of The Heart of Success tells a powerful story about authentic listening:
‘Dad, will you listen to me while I read?’
‘I’m listening,’ said the dad to his six-year-old daughter, with half an eye on the newspaper headlines.
‘Dad, please will you listen to me read?’
‘Yes, I am listening,’ said the dad, slightly impatiently.
‘Silly daddy don’t you know you have to listen with your eyes as well.’
Valuing People: The truth about listening is that it doesn’t just require your ears. It is most powerfully demonstrated when we focus our eyes on the subject as well. This is not easy. It demands that we quieten our mind, turn down the noise of the many pressing matters on our own agenda and be fully – patiently – present. For some of us that is a very hard task indeed.
But as well as being polite, listening with our eyes can also be incredibly revealing. It allows us to take in all the non-verbal communication that is being expressed as well. So many of our nuances and inferences are only expressed by subtle gestures. If you’re staring at the exit, you might as well be wearing ear muffs.
When you are with someone who makes you feel like they have no other care in the world other than to listen to you, it is an almost magical experience. Personally, I long to be the kind of person who can listen that well. I’m not there yet, but I’m practicing – every single day.
VALUING PEOPLE QUESTION: Decide to listen as well as you possibly can to the very next person you interact with, even if it means changing your plans.
Matt Bird, Valuing People
Author: Matt Bird / Email: mattbird@relationology.co.uk / Tel: +44 7971 489768
Matt Bird is the creator of Relationology a unique approach to achieving business growth through the power of relationships. He is an international keynote speaker and author of Relationology 101.
